Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
