I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
