i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
