Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
