I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
