You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
