My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
