There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
