Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
