Porn is love you can see.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
