If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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