I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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