I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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