Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
