We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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