We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
