Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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