Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I've blown a few things in my day
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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