is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
