I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
