I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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