worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
