You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
