He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
