totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
you made out with another girl for some wings
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
