You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
