shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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