You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
