tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
