i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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