found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
