had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
