she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
