fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
