Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
