In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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