farters have to be the big spoon...
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
