you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
