yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
