No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I have aggressive nipples.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
