I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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