That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
