What a fucking waste of an outfit
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
