she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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