A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
