Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
