Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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