Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
