She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Im part way to drunk.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
