Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
