My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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