And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
