made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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